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[personal profile] lyore
Well, people said they were interested, so here it is. Concrit is welcome, but since I'm new to this writing business, gentle is good, but honest is better. Please, let me know what you like, what you don't like about it, whether I should give up and never touch a keyboard again.

Obligatory Header-type stuff:

Title: Worst
Pairing: N/A
Warnings: Set after the BDM, so be warned.
Other stuff: Very short, kinda sad. Zoe-centric.

She knows the risks, the danger, and she’s lost companions before. But he wasn’t a soldier, and he wasn’t a fighter, and it shouldn’t have ended like this.

The worse isn’t at night, when she lies alone in their quarters, their bed, surrounded by memories and held by nobody’s arms. She moves to the guest quarters, telling the captain that there’s a noise in the ducts and it keeps her awake. It isn’t a lie, but Kaylee looks and can’t find the cause. The Captain orders the doctor ‘round, who comes with drugs to help her sleep, and Inara, who brings sympathy to help her grieve, and all she can think is that all the medicine in the ‘verse couldn’t save him. They couldn’t help him then and now they can’t fix this, and this isn’t the worst.

The worst isn’t in flight, when Serenity moves not the same, not quite right, and she tries not to think of the girl at the helm, sitting behind his dinosaurs. She knows it isn’t their fault, she believes – he believed - they did right, but if River and Simon hadn’t come, then he’d still be alive. And this isn’t the worst.

The worst isn’t when she finds Jayne using one of his shirts to clean his guns, and she threatens to raise his voice permanently if he touches his things again. The worst isn’t when they come home from a job, and she knows he’s not here, and that she’s not really coming home at all anymore. The worst isn’t when she thinks of the child (his hair, her eyes) they might have had. It isn’t even that she never said goodbye, and she never had one last chance to tell him she cared.

The worst is when she is planning a job with the captain, or inspecting the cargo with Jayne. The worst is when she smiles at Inara, or helps Kaylee fix the buffer panel again. The worst is when she freezes, and realises that for a moment, she hasn’t thought about him. The worst is when the everyday routine of their life on this boat takes control, and for a moment Serenity sweeps him away, like a leaf on the wind.

*runs away and hides*

Date: 2006-04-30 03:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I like it, you knew that already but I will tell you again.
Will somebody else please comment on this so lyore stops winging and making my life miserable.

Date: 2006-04-30 05:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I've only seen Serenity and not the series, so I can't really comment very well on characterisation, but I really liked this. Zoe's sadness, I think, is depicted wonderfully, and is very emotive.

It feels very real - because when someone dies, is *is* the little things that are the hardest to deal with and I think that really comes across well here. Heartbreaking, but I really enjoyed it.

Date: 2006-04-30 08:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Glad you liked it :) I guess the 'realness', and the impact of the small things, was what I was going for. Nice to know I succeeded.

I prefer Firefly to the movie (which is still good) - definitely worth watching, especially if you can borrow it or get it cheap. But make sure you watch it in order!

Date: 2006-04-30 07:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Wow... That was awesome, lyore.
Very poignant and all sad/sweet. Nice smooth writing as well.
I'm not even that much of a Firefly/Serenity fan but this was really nice and I am glad I read it :)

Date: 2006-04-30 08:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thankee, young miss. Sad and sweet was what I was aiming for, so now I'm happy :) I'm glad you read it too - I was getting paranoid, cause no-one said anything. Yes, I know I only just put it up, that's not the point :)

I'm telling you - sit down, watch Firefly in order, all the way through, and you'll like it. I'll admit, I don't like it as much as season 2 or 3 of Buffy, but it just had so much potential, and then they cancelled it *sniff*

But I'm not really suprised you're over the Serenity thing, though. Every time I'm at your place, Ben puts it on :)

Date: 2006-04-30 07:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Very, very nice -- and VERY VERY SAD!!! I just watched "Tuck Everlasting" so I'm now suffering double blow of the nice-but-sadness, but this is a very good fic. You should post it around to communities, people would appreciate this sort of thing.

You know, I had a dream last night where the only person who died in Serenity was Zoe (ie. Book and Wash survived), for some reason we were all there and everyone spent the time consoling Wash, but there was much sadness. There was also a lot of food, though that's probably just because it was MY dream and food is mana.

Joss should have given them a baby before he died -- just to put a twist on the mode of "Getting Jossed", like there is something more to be joyful about in the end.

I think you should write Firefly fanfic more often, uh-huh uh-huh.

Date: 2006-04-30 08:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
We'll see how brave I'm feeling, whether I post this anywhere else. Glad you liked it, even if it makes you depressed. I hear chocolate fixes that :)

Oh yeah - we all know how much you wanted to 'console' Wash :) (I've been spending far to much time with Wolfie, obviously.)

Date: 2006-04-30 09:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Not depressed, that would be if there were no hope on the horizon -- and I know Zoe has The Family, plus she's a Trooper, so things will get better.

Heh heh, obviously, but I'll leave such consolation to his beautiful wife, "somewhat less attractive now that's she's all dead and corpsified". I just serve the food, lady.

Date: 2006-04-30 09:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Wasn't it 'corpsified and gross', or am I misremembering?

Date: 2006-04-30 01:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I think you remember correctly. [sigh] This is proof that I'll have to go and watch all of Firefly again, that reading will have to wait, but it's a sacrifice I'll just have to make.

Date: 2006-04-30 01:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I salute your dedication to duty :)

Date: 2006-04-30 01:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Speaking of duty, I don't think your userpic space is full yet.

Get to work!


Date: 2006-04-30 01:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm going, I'm going. Unfortunately, there are only 24 hours in a day, and far to many of them are filled up with work :(

Tangwystl Quidditch

Date: 2006-04-30 02:14 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I like it, it feels rather melancholic.

Re: Tangwystl Quidditch

Date: 2006-05-01 10:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hello! Haven't seen you round these here parts for a while.

Glad you liked it.

Date: 2006-04-30 10:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh, yay! I really like it. I like your use of repetition and how it's almost like she's talking to herself, trying to get through bad moments... this isn't the worst and this isn't the worst. And of course the worst is indeed when you feel like you're forgetting a loved one, so that works really well, too. And I love the 'raise his voice permanently' line. Great!! If I were to give any concrit, it would be maybe to add some more specifics about Wash/Zoe. Like, when you say 'sitting behind his dinosaurs'. Yeah! So perhaps a more specific image of their child or specifically what she wished she'd said to him at the last. So that it's more identifiably Zoe and not just a general grieving wife. But I only say that to have some suggestion for revision, because really, it's super. I think you should post it, and I definitely think you should keep writing.


Date: 2006-05-01 10:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Glad you liked it - and that you like the Jayne line, it's probably my favourite bit. Yeah, I chickened out on exactly what Zoe wanted to say: I just couldn't think of anything in-character that seemed to fit. I may take another look and see it I can make it a bit Zoe-specific before I post it elsewhere. And yes, I probably will post it in other places - I just discovered that apparently I'm a review-whore :)

Thanks for the concrit, and the encouragement.


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